i just sent this text using only my big toe
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She needs sedatives and a leash
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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