Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude i'm inner monologue high
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
