Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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