how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
