When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I supernannyed him into submission
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
