once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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