What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
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we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
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P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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