"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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