fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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