Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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