"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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