nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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