They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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