you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
