I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
