His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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