I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
