You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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