I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
