Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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