I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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