When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
