Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
