i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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