I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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