one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
