YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I cannot find my penis.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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