He is such a slut. More and more my type.
where am i from again
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
