I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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