I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
