LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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