I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
