the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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