I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
