I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't put those talents on a resume
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize