even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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