It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
