Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
