Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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