Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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