he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
