Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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