i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
