wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
