I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
