I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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