After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
