I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
