He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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