Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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