my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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