today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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