Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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