I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what day is it and did you see me today?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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