I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
